Talk about falling

Heres the thing. Sometimes — and if I am completely truthful more often than not — I am enveloped in fear. It’s something that just clutches at my chest and I can feel it slowly tighten. It’s a difficulty-breathing, can’t-get-comfortable, feel-on-edge, type of fear. 

 

“If you can’t beat fear, just do it scared.”

 

Over the past couple of months I’ve lived with this mantra in my head and for the most part it has worked tremendously well. I can’t tell you how many times I was scared to death to do something, and something inside of me whispered “Bronté you have to do this.” Now normally this takes a lot of convincing, by myself and others for me to work myself up, so when I heard that — felt that need to just have to do it, I just did it. I didn’t beat my fear. I didn’t have any grand misconceptions about who I was, I was scared shitless. But I had to do it.

 

Beyond this fleeting feeling, that has maybe only happened two or three times this semester, I’ve started to feel a different kind of fear. Like maybe now that I am here, now that I’ve come this far, I’ve deceived both myself and everyone else. That I’m in way over my head. That at some point I am going to have to let everyone know that I’m just a fraud and I don’t actually know what I’m doing and I was just faking it up until this point. 

 

And maybe it’s true. 

 

Maybe doing it scared can only reach a certain point until you’re scared for a bigger reason. Or maybe I’m just in my head.

 

I think I have a tendency when talking about my abilities and achievements, to downgrade them. I don’t think that this is a fault necessarily, however it has created a sort of safety net for myself. A space for me to either far exceed someone’s expectations or meet them. It’s this breathing room that actually just gives me an excuse to never let anyone down. How could I when I have graded myself so low? 

 

And so I suppose in the big picture of things it’s this fear of letting people down that’s clutching at my chest now, making me aware of what little breathing room I have given myself this time. And if I fail I’ll fall hard and if I succeed I will just be living up to the expectations. 

 

And I don’t think I have ever failed to that degree before.