Twenty seems like a monumental age. Like some sort of invisible line you have finally crossed. Twenty-somethings are pulled together. They know what they are doing and what they want. 

It’s kind of disappointing really.

Here I have crossed this line and I still struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I still struggle just to be okay. And somehow that doesn’t seem like I have things pulled together or that I know what I am doing or what I want. And to be honest I really really don’t. 

And that’s kind of scary. 

Life doesn’t work out as planned. It’ doesn’t fit the checklist that you made when you were twelve. It doesn’t fall into place. Not in my experience. 

Life is messy. Life has 2 a.m. nights full of tears. Life has days where you can’t get out of bed. Life doesn’t always feel right. It doesn’t always feel like everything is okay. It doesn’t always feel like it’s worth putting on that smile. Or worth approaching that person. 

And I think I’ve learned that it is okay to not be okay. I think I’ve learned that it’s only me who can put that smile on my face. It’s only me who can take that step out of bed. 

And sometimes that is really really hard. And sometimes I can’t do it everyday. 

But that’s okay.

I don’t think twenty-something’s have it all figured. I don’t think that some people are just better at living than I am. I think sometimes it’s just easy to disguise what we are really going through. And sometimes that can go a lot deeper than anyone can ever imagine or surmise. 

So at only twenty years of age I think I can safely say that I think I’ve figured out how to get by. 

And for right now, that will have to be enough.