IN THE ENDING...


It's started with nervous smiles and pounding hearts, fumbled textbooks and perfectly set up rooms, awkward first encounters and quiet classrooms.

It's been almost 14 wks. 

"The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either." ~ Ricky Gervais

When it seems like everyone knows each other, everyone has their routine down, it's intimidating. For the first couple of weeks I had to remind myself that this was not the case. We're all just pretending. We're all just pretending to keep it together, to create an environment that we want to live in. 

I was so lucky to be able to find a friend that I connected with almost instantaneously.

The first time I met her I was terrified. I was enveloped in my own insecurities. And it seemed like she had it all together. Like she was someone who just knew who she was and that was intimidating for someone who felt like I did not have it all together.

I am being completely honest when I say that she is the best thing that has happened to me this first semester of my University experience. And I know that I am a better version of myself just in knowing her.

I think we both opened up a little bit more than we expected the first real talk we ever had. We took a lot of walks and wanders down in the river valley that fall. A lot of adventures downtown Edmonton. A lot of jam-sessions laying on the grass on campus or relaxing in Teg. A lot more talks. A lot more dreaming.

It's safe to say she is one of my favourites! I'm so thankful for her support and friendship.

One of the things about being an overly stressed out child -- who frankly gave herself panic attacks on the regular -- living in a household with a psychologist as a father and a mother who was always there to comfort you. You learn how to cope efficiently with a high amount of stress, even if most of it was self-induced. And know that it was just self-induced.

I think what I'm getting at here is that I was surprised how calm I was in situations that would have stressed me to the max when I was younger.

I learned to do everything in my power to do well and learn to know it was enough. And that doing my best was enough.

And I am so happy that University has been good to me. It's going to be so different next semester and it makes me equally as scared as I was at the beginning of this one. It's startling to find yourself so comfortable in a situation and have it upended from one moment to the next. 

Change is scary. Getting comfortable is hard. I hope I can get comfortable in a new normal in this next stage of University as fast as I did in the first. 

But now in this moment I am being fired at by a squad of professors -- in the form of Finals. And I am so ready for this Christmas break. 

Even though after all this time I am only a little bit closer to figuring out who I am. Even though I'm not any closer at figuring out who I want to be. 

I think I like who I am becoming. 

And in the ending, there is nervous laughter and pounding hearts, 

papers strewn across desks and terms floating around aimlessly in your head, 

sad goodbyes 

and quiet classrooms.