Talk about falling

Heres the thing. Sometimes — and if I am completely truthful more often than not — I am enveloped in fear. It’s something that just clutches at my chest and I can feel it slowly tighten. It’s a difficulty-breathing, can’t-get-comfortable, feel-on-edge, type of fear. 

 

“If you can’t beat fear, just do it scared.”

 

Over the past couple of months I’ve lived with this mantra in my head and for the most part it has worked tremendously well. I can’t tell you how many times I was scared to death to do something, and something inside of me whispered “Bronté you have to do this.” Now normally this takes a lot of convincing, by myself and others for me to work myself up, so when I heard that — felt that need to just have to do it, I just did it. I didn’t beat my fear. I didn’t have any grand misconceptions about who I was, I was scared shitless. But I had to do it.

 

Beyond this fleeting feeling, that has maybe only happened two or three times this semester, I’ve started to feel a different kind of fear. Like maybe now that I am here, now that I’ve come this far, I’ve deceived both myself and everyone else. That I’m in way over my head. That at some point I am going to have to let everyone know that I’m just a fraud and I don’t actually know what I’m doing and I was just faking it up until this point. 

 

And maybe it’s true. 

 

Maybe doing it scared can only reach a certain point until you’re scared for a bigger reason. Or maybe I’m just in my head.

 

I think I have a tendency when talking about my abilities and achievements, to downgrade them. I don’t think that this is a fault necessarily, however it has created a sort of safety net for myself. A space for me to either far exceed someone’s expectations or meet them. It’s this breathing room that actually just gives me an excuse to never let anyone down. How could I when I have graded myself so low? 

 

And so I suppose in the big picture of things it’s this fear of letting people down that’s clutching at my chest now, making me aware of what little breathing room I have given myself this time. And if I fail I’ll fall hard and if I succeed I will just be living up to the expectations. 

 

And I don’t think I have ever failed to that degree before. 

New Do

 

I've been doing some major updates in my online life lately.

I realized, like so many other people in my program, that if I'm going to talk-the-talk I better walk-the-walk. So I started to up-my-game on my Instagram account and I honestly don't know why it took me so long! Unfortunately, these last three years of school, my blog has been on the back-burner and I always felt like "yeah yeah I'll get to that," but it needed a major reboot — all of my widgets stopped working, it looked messy and outdated, and it was just not working for me!  

All this to say — and all excuses aside — here it is, the new do! I am very pleased with it. We will see as the coming months approach what other changes and modifications will need to be done to get this up and running and consistent. I am formulating a plan, and you best believe that like any good communications student there will be a content calendar — until then enjoy looking around :)

HAPPY 5TH BIRTHDAY


I’m surprised more than anything that this has happened so quickly. Five years ago I was 16, I’m pretty sure I had braces and thick black square glasses, I didn’t have a phone or a plan for any of this, just a camera and the drive to make something tangible. 

I still write and write often, and even if not all of it ends up on here, these essays that mark the passage of time are something that I know I will cherish. A small little window into the inner workings of my mind, and all of the lessons and all of the changes that have happened since my eleventh year of high school. 

If the next five years bears any resemblance to the last I know that I have not got a clue what is in store for me. That I can plan and hope and prepare, but this life is not predictable and at any moment there could be a new bend in the road. For now I am happy being here and soaking up all the lessons and experiences I can while in this moment. 

I honestly feel like somehow this marks a new chapter with these five years done and gone. Maybe it’s all of the change and new strides I’ve taken in the couple months of this year alone, but it feels a bit like a new beginning. And in the grand scheme of things, in building this life, there will be hard lessons learned in these next five years too, but I do know that the last five years has prepared in me someone who is fully capable of tackling whatever should come my way. 


Oh the things you will do


One of the most exhilarating things about growing older is doing things you know would have scared you to death when you were younger. Or 2 years ago. Or 3 months ago. 

Not only knowing that you CAN do them but that you're actually pretty freaking capable of doing them. And that you're actually that much closer to being a real freaking adult. 

This semester has been one of so many firsts. One of so many moments where I decided I must go on despite my fears. 

For someone who's struggled with anxiety and depression doing even small things like getting out of bed and eating and showing up makes the things that are really only small things to other people like going to the school gym or doing that presentation or going to that interview, seem like really big accomplishments. And to know that you're capable of not only getting up, eating and showing up, but all these other things too? Priceless. To know that you are capable of so much more than your little mind as it lays through mornings of doubts and of deep lows could ever comprehend, is just so comforting. 

That someone who is frozen in fear and enveloped in the thoughts of all she cannot do, can in fact do a whole freaking whack-load of amazing and exhilarating things? That's pretty cool. That's almost adult-like there my friends. 

And sometimes you surprise yourself with fearlessness and sometimes you must continue on despite your fear. However, it doesn't ever diminish what little you did accomplish because the difference is you could not do that yesterday. So that moment of exhilaration and of completion and satisfaction is so so worth a little celebrating. 


So let's celebrate. Celebrate small accomplishments, fearlessness, courage in the face of fear and the art of becoming who we're supposed to be. Because that's all growing older really is, isn't it?