Femme Love

 

"I'm a feminist. I've been a female for a long time now. It'd be stupid not to be on my own side." ~ Maya Angelou

If you haven't watched Wonder Woman yet...what are you doing with your life? GO! Within the first 20 minutes I was overcome when a wave of emotions washed over me. It was in the middle of a battle scene and I felt like crying — not because people were dying or because it was necessarily supposed to be sad, but because I realized the weight of this moment. I realized how badass we are. How we don't need a man saving us to make a blockbuster movie. How we shouldn't need the Bechdel test to gauge whether a movie has equal gender representation. And how silly it is that we've had to wait this long for a female role like this. 

You might think this is silly, and that it's not even worth writing about, but when I was sitting in the theatre and Wonder Woman jumped into the air, nothing can beat the feeling of when I saw the little girl in front of me throw up her hands just as Wonder Woman blasts her enemy. Nothing in the world. Unlike so many of us, this little girl will grow up with a female film protagonist to look up to. She'll watch it over and over again and know that Wonder Woman's love for mankind was greater than her love of that one man. She'll know that this love is what gave Wonder Woman her strength. And that this love is all she needs too. 

And I don't think that is silly at all. For if more little girls knew this, there's no stopping what we could do. 

I couldn't tell you the exact moment when I became a feminist — just like I can't tell you the exact moment I became a Christian. However, I know Emma Watson's speech in 2014 had a lot to do with the way I viewed feminism. Since then I've come to realize that it's not something to be ashamed of or to keep quiet, because I have a burning fire in my heart to right so many wrongs and this is just one of them. This is just one of the things, and it's got to be loud in order to be heard. 

So here are some things that make me go "heck yes!" to all of the femme love. I wish my bank account allowed me to sport all of these...I might just have to get that jean jacket though  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Talk about falling

Heres the thing. Sometimes — and if I am completely truthful more often than not — I am enveloped in fear. It’s something that just clutches at my chest and I can feel it slowly tighten. It’s a difficulty-breathing, can’t-get-comfortable, feel-on-edge, type of fear. 

 

“If you can’t beat fear, just do it scared.”

 

Over the past couple of months I’ve lived with this mantra in my head and for the most part it has worked tremendously well. I can’t tell you how many times I was scared to death to do something, and something inside of me whispered “Bronté you have to do this.” Now normally this takes a lot of convincing, by myself and others for me to work myself up, so when I heard that — felt that need to just have to do it, I just did it. I didn’t beat my fear. I didn’t have any grand misconceptions about who I was, I was scared shitless. But I had to do it.

 

Beyond this fleeting feeling, that has maybe only happened two or three times this semester, I’ve started to feel a different kind of fear. Like maybe now that I am here, now that I’ve come this far, I’ve deceived both myself and everyone else. That I’m in way over my head. That at some point I am going to have to let everyone know that I’m just a fraud and I don’t actually know what I’m doing and I was just faking it up until this point. 

 

And maybe it’s true. 

 

Maybe doing it scared can only reach a certain point until you’re scared for a bigger reason. Or maybe I’m just in my head.

 

I think I have a tendency when talking about my abilities and achievements, to downgrade them. I don’t think that this is a fault necessarily, however it has created a sort of safety net for myself. A space for me to either far exceed someone’s expectations or meet them. It’s this breathing room that actually just gives me an excuse to never let anyone down. How could I when I have graded myself so low? 

 

And so I suppose in the big picture of things it’s this fear of letting people down that’s clutching at my chest now, making me aware of what little breathing room I have given myself this time. And if I fail I’ll fall hard and if I succeed I will just be living up to the expectations. 

 

And I don’t think I have ever failed to that degree before.